Hello! I haven't really used this blog this semester, because up until this point, I've been happily frolicking through fields of Creative Non-Fiction. Creative Non-Fiction has its own difficulties, but I am much more engaged and happy even when I'm struggling through writing it. Soon, I will make a post about revising and editing, because that is where I'm having issues. But now, my frolicking days are over. Now is the wonderful time in the semester when research essays are no longer an abstract threat, but a reality that makes me sleep on my couch instead of a bed and have mental breakdowns in between rows of books in the library. Last semester, I felt like I made a lot of improvements with my essay writing issues, but this time, I feel like I'm back where I began.
So here's the breakdown on what's making me despise writing:
- It's in a form that feels suffocating: I am all about having a road map and a structure for essay writing. But I'm feeling so confused on whether my idea is a claim, a conceptual problem, more thesis-y, or simply an observation, that I am paralyzed. This is part of being an English major--adapting your writing to fit a variety of forms--but I'm just a puddle of confusion. And it's making my writing quality deteriorate.
- I haven't read the book: Okay, so this one is my fault. Normally, I do read the book. But this one I had to skim. The writing is so uneven--the style goes from a science textbook, to overly dramatic, to fairytale-esque--it drove me crazy.
- Research: I've found some sources, but that was like after 10 hours of trying out all the avenues I know. And I feel like I maybe need more science based sources that somehow meld history and literature all together, and those are non-existent. Surprise.
- I don't love my topic: I don't hate my topic though, so that's something. I love studying the 1914-1960s era of history in America--it's one of my favorites. It's such a fascinating time period of change from huge technological leaps, to different philosophies on war, and all the resulting instability and paranoia that cropped up. So I decided to write from this perspective, talking about how Silent Spring says we can control the environment, but we can't control it using war means, because it's destabilizing us. Which is interesting, but not riveting.
- Fighting with myself: Constantly, I keep having to let go of interesting analyses because the text doesn't actually support them. Which makes sense, but it is frustrating to have my thoughts be wrong. I keep reminding myself that the text anchors everything--I can't just make up crap and try to take words out of context to make it work. I've thrown out my paper idea and reconstructed it so many times. And now my brain feels broken.
So going forward, what can I do?
- Ask for help: I probably need to go in and talk with my professor before the due date about the whole conceptual problem-claim issues I'm having.
- Humble myself: I need to stop thinking that the way I normally write research papers is better--even if it may be true--it's not helping me accept this one. I need to be able to accept criticism and try to understand where it's coming from.
- Divorce myself from my thoughts: I need to just stop being so emotionally connected with the analysis and thoughts I create. If it's not working, it's not working, so I need to throw them out and focus on what does work.
- Write without looking for perfection: I need to generate some words on a page. Normally, writing things out helps me find the pearl amidst the swamp of crap I spew. It can help me bring something to my Professor's office and give me something to work from.
- Find the important sections and re-read them: I don't know if I have time or sanity to go back and re-read the whole book, but I should be able to narrow down the sections that can potentially be most useful to me and go over them more closely.
The paper is officially due Thursday, but my Professor really wants us to have all of it by Tuesday morning. So naturally, I am taking up an hour to make this blog post instead of confronting my essay. Which is in shambles. Yay Procrastination!
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